The Week in Non-Binary 6

Ok, technically this is more like two weeks, but there is a fair bit to catch up on.

I decided to cancel the hotel room I'd booked for the cancelled Christmas do as the prospect of a night as (by all appearances) a lone, middle-aged woman treading the streeets of Barnsley just didn't appeal. Fortunately I got my money back.

I had my birthday earlier this month. This isn't immediately relevant. However, it precipitated another low-key outing. I'd created a very femme avatar for Facebook. Now, I assume any readers know what I'm talking about, the app Zuckerberg has given the world to create the very flattering (or deluded, if you prefer) cartoony facsimile of themselves that people use in posting about the death of their dog while joyfully presenting a birthday cake. I didn't use my avatar very much, and when I did, it was in private groups that were safe spaces for me who accepted my femme/transy/enby self. However, what I didn't know is that people can use their avatars in animations wishing happy birthday to your avatar by presenting them a cake. So people are wishing me happy birthday and my girly avatar is reacting all coquettishly. A few people decided to wish me happy birthday this way, and these videos are on public display. Oh dear, how sad, never mind.

Yeah, I'm sure my girly avatar really needs that cake, but she knows she'll need to doing a shit-load of gym sessions to work it off.

This sylph-like figure takes a lot of maintenance

I was invited to another Christmas party, this time for the comedy community for Yorkshire so decided to use this as the excuse for me to get a nice festive dress. I headed to my favourite Next Outlet to see what they had. I'd wanted something sparkly but there was nothing sparkly in a way that wouldn't make you look like you'd been at a bukkake party at Liberace's house. You definitely can have too many sequins. I saw a gorgeous short, black, crushed velvet dress that I really liked but it turned out to be a 10 in the 12 rack, so was too small. Instead I settled on, not one, but two dresses. An LBD with plunging neckline and another in purple which had printed silver accents so at least partly sparkly. A total bargain as both dresses cost a total of £21. I wore the LBD for the party which was at The Verve bar in Leeds. I paired it with plum Snags and a belt with white Vans. I ordered an Uber to get to the station and took the train, meeting my girl pal in Leeds. It was a fun night, and good chatting with other members of the community. It was also the first time I'd presented femme to a lot of the other comics, certainly outside my own night. And, yes, I was going under the name Bex for the first time in a social setting.

I just love my hair now

Ready to mix it with the local comedians

Tuesday night was my comedy night, Jockularity, which, for the Christmas special was changed to Jinglearity. I'd planned to wear the other dress from my purchase, so got made up, put on my tights and tried it on and realised it looked hideous. I had to resort back to the LBD from Sunday. Again, my girl pal, Jeanette, was there, and we went out to another bar after the comedy. To be fair, you're on a bit of a hiding to nothing on a night out in Wakefield of a Tuesday. There are two bars open for an hour after 11pm. We made it to the more lively one and had a couple of drinks.

The best comedy night in Wakefield

After the comedy night I was off work the next day for some Christmas shopping. Last year I was pressing the androgyny buttons in leggings and no makeup. This year I went further in a skirt and subtle makeup (only tinted moisturiser, a touch of concealer, eyeliner, mascara and some lippy). Make no mistake, this was a middle-aged woman out shopping as the picture below shows. I love shopping en femme, it just seems more natural. I came back bearing gifts and I was quite disciplined in that I didn't buy any clothes for myself, nor try anything on, though I did get myself some makeup. I got home and made it out to my regular Wednesday Body Combat at the gym that evening.

Product placement in action Outside the White Rose Centre

I managed all of my usual gym classes apart from Tuesday's Clubbercise (that was comedy night). I had one miss-gender when I went to pick up a Chinese takeaway in my workout kit and was "love"'d by the guy in the shop (not too surprising as I was resplendent in Tikiboo pink leopard print leggings, see pic), before I said I was there to pick up an order for Iain.

The obligatory gym bunny pic for this post

I created a Facebook profile for Bex too. I'm planning on doing more comedy this coming New Year and I'm using the new FB for my comedy gigs, so most of the friends I've acquired are comedians. However, I've also been prowling through the suggested friends and I've added quite a few people who I know through my male profile so I am voluntarily outing myself to a select number of (for want of a better word) civvies. I've been getting bolder and added a few former workmates and other friends so there's no going back. At the moment this is under my control, and I am deciding who to add. I do wonder, however, if Bex will pop into friend suggestions for my "other" friends, outing me even further.

No, YOU'RE needy! https://giphy.com/clips/sethward-1hIa9zt2MLDytcxd5r

Something that is coming up is the Secret santa at work. Now, as mentioned, when I outed myself, I'd no idea who saw, but I'm certain some workmates did (not that I have a huge number on my list on FB). So, will someone try and get me something cheekily girly? I do know that, if it does happen, I'll just roll with it and own it. It would be another notch up towards being fully out.

Source: https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/65e348fc-8e62-4aae-b567-7883e160a561

So what else? Androgyny, maybe? The popular conception, or more to the pont, the socially acceptable expression of "androgyny" seems based on women presenting a bit butch. See Annie Lennox for example. She had short hair and wore sharp suits, but she was still very much a woman. Similarly, if you search for androgynous haircuts, you get pages of pictures of glamorous women with slightly short hairstyles. There's no gender variance there, they are still women and the haircut doesn't change that. We did have the icon that is David Bowie, particularly during his earlier eras as Iggy Stardust and Aladdin Sane; or Prince; even Boy George; but, in the large, "androgyny" usually means a woman looking a bit butch. Times are different and things have moved on. The whole attitude to gender variance has shifted and there's an entire new vocabulary to describe it (non-binary, gender fluid etc), but a man trying to look less masculine, effeminate, or (heaven forbid) just plain feminine is still taboo to some extent. I'm not a sociologist, but I do feel this is rooted in misogyny. Why would a man want to give up the status of being male in order to assume a more inferior, female role?

Yep, it's another Bowie reference It's impossible to go too long talking about messing about with gender without invoking David Bowie

It's the same mentally that underlies the tendency for men to not speak about their worries for fear of showing weakness. This is the same mentality that results in the leading cause of death in men under 50 being suicide and the rate of suicide in men being three times what it is in women (See the C.A.L.M website for details). These are completely preventable deaths, leaving behind a wake of grief and trauma. This is being gradually broken down and there are movements like Andy's Man Club that are around for guys to go and discuss their worries. We had a talk from AMC at work. They are doing amazing work in providing a space for men to talk and generally vent so hopefully this will reduce these tragedies that don't need to happen.

Andy's Man Club Source: https://www.dundeeunitedfc.co.uk/news/6021/Andys-Man-Club-Has-A-New-Home.html

Anyway, for a musical offering for this entry, as I focused on androgyny, I've chosen the Garbage track below. I love Shirley Manson, she's a bit of an icon to me, another Titian sister